Night grinding

December 3, 2005. Saturday.

The kids and I all had dentist appointments. When Dr. J had a look at me, he said that I will need to wear a night guard. He said that I was grinding my teeth at night. He could tell from the way I am wearing away my teeth.

How could I not know that I am grinding my teeth? Well, of course, I was asleep when I must be doing it. I remember sis was a night grinder when she was a child. I wonder if she still is.

Now, I noticed that I clench my teeth when I am seething in anger with H. Could that be it? Could night grinding be caused by stress?

 

Car worries

November 27, 2005. Sunday.

Purplegirl called while we were having supper. Her husband has passed the road test. One take only. And they’ve just bought a car. 2005 Silver Corolla. Inabot din ng $20,000. For pleasure lang ang claim nila sa Autopac kaya mababa lang daw ang insurance. Buti pa sila. Si H ay ilang take na ng road test pero hindi pa makapasa. And at least pareho silang may part-time na mag-asawa. Talagang pinaglalaanan nila ang pagbili ng sasakyan. Wala pa kasing anak kaya may time silang pareho na mag-part-time.

Ako’y kinakabahan dito sa asawa ko. Baka kapag nakapasa ng road test, isang araw ay umuwi na may dala nang kotse. Ganyan kasi iyan. Basta basta na lang bumibili ng mamahaling bagay katulad ng stereo na hindi ikinukunsulta sa akin. Ang katwiran niya ay magagalit ako. Eh ano kung magalit ako eh kapag ganyang malaking halaga ay dapat na pinag-uusapan iyan. Tapos hindi siya gumawa ng paraan para madagdagan ang income para may pambili ng mga bagay na iyon. Sa halip ay binabawasan niya ang ibinibigay niya sa akin. Kulang na nga eh, binabawasan pa. Saan siya kukuha ng panghulog sa kotse? Baka hindi na siya mag-abot ng pera sa akin. Maganda nga sana ang may kotse pero kung ganuon naman. Hay!

 

At the party

November 19, 2005. Saturday.

Today is Lady Red’s (my friend) Retirement Dinner and Dance Party.

I was surprised and kind of annoyed when H decided to come on the last minute. Just this Thursday, I asked him if he was coming and of course at first his answer was “Bahala na.” And it ticked me off. Just give me a yes or no answer. And then he said, “Okay, then NO.” Fine. He doesn’t usually go with me to my friends’ gatherings anyway. And I’m actually already so used to him not going that I like it better if it’s just me and/or the kids also came with me without him.

And then I had a “monologue” about our failing relationship. I said monologue because it was like talking to a wall. Well, anyway, I think he changed his mind after talking to Purplegirl. She probably told him, “Sumama ka na para may kausap si (asawa niya).” Kaya ayun sumama naman. I told him before we left, “Huwag mo akong bubulungan duon ng kung anu-anong masama at baka mabuwisit ako sa iyo.”

I asked Mama if she could give us a ride. I also invited her to the party because she knows my friend who’s retiring. But she didn’t want to. She just dropped us off there and left after.

When we got to the Community Club where this party was being held, the tables were already arranged and decorated. Red and white motif. Very nice and elegant looking. None of my friends were in sight. Lady Red asked them to come early to help her step-daughter who is also the party planner. Two of Lady Red’s cousins were also there helping. And the DJ was also already there.

Purplegirl, her husband, and Fair Lady came at around 5:00 pm. Then few guests started arriving. My 15-year old son’s band members also started arriving. The band was supposed to play at 6:00 pm while people are eating. But at 6:00 pm, there were only a few people. I suggested to Lady Red, “Why don’t you let the boys eat first before they play. Because some of them can’t stay past 7:30. They have other plans.” So she let them eat first. My son said that his friends liked the food. Which was good. At least nakabawi sila sa pagkain dahil binarat sila ni Lady Red, paying them only $100.00. $20 each, except for my son who gets nothing because there are six of them. But I promised him that I’d give him the $20 myself. So they started playing at 6:30 even though not everybody was there yet. They prepared an hour long performance. My friends liked the piece, “The Way You Look Tonight” and requested for an encore of that song.

Panay ang patawa ni H kay Purplegirl and Fair Lady who were both sitting across the table from me. Hindi naman nakakatawa sa akin. It’s an old act. When I first met him, yun and una kong nagustuhan sa kanya. Yung pagiging kenkoy niya. Pero hindi na ako natatawa ngayon. Patawa siya nang patawa dun sa dalawa. Mas marami pa siyang sinabi sa kanila nung gabing iyon kaysa sa sinabi niya sa akin sa buong linggo.

Nuong sayawan na, nahila ako nung mga babaeng sumayaw nung tinugtog yung YMCA by the Village People at saka yung iba pa ring tugtog. When I was already sitting down and just watching the girls dance, I was surprised when my 15-year old son got up and joined the circle while a Michael Jackson song was playing. Na-enganyo siguro nung makitang nag-mu-”Moonwalk” si Kuya Boy. I also joined them at pilit kong hinila si Bunso. Then later on, I saw my 15-year old dancing with Ate Ces. Mukhang nag-enjoy naman ang loko.

We left at around 11:00 pm. I asked Purplegirl to also call a cab for us. One for them and one for us. Nung palabas na kami, sabi ko kay H duon na siya sa labas at abangan yung taxi. Malamig kasi para sa mga batang maghintay sa labas dahil siyempre winter. Nung una ayaw niya. Nainis ako at sabi ko, “Ako na nga. Lagi na lang ako.” Tapos naglabasan din silang lahat nung lumabas ako kahit sinabi ko sa mga batang pumasok muna sila. Napipikon na talaga ako kay H.

Then nung tinanong ni MissEm kung saan kami sasakay, sabi ko mag-ta-taxi kami. Then she had this look on her face na para bang nakakabigla na mag-ta-taxi kami. She knows naman that we don’t have a car and that’s how we get around, either by bus or taxi. She didn’t have to give me that weird look.

 

In a bad place

November 9, 2005. Wednesday.

I’m in a bad place right now. H was growling at (my 11-year old) at the dinner table on Sunday when he was showing something from the TV guide to his kuya (my 15-year old). “Hoy, kumain ka nang maayos,” he said in that loud thundering voice. I hate it when he does that. I see my kids’ reaction and they cower. He sees these kids only in the weekends because he works at night, and I think that he should make the most of his time with them. Sure, he fools around with the two young ones every now and then. He was just playing and laughing with (the 11-year old) that afternoon and he suddenly turned into a monster just like that. I don’t think that’s good. I wanted to call on him but I know he would react and it would turn ugly. I didn’t want to do it in front of the kids.

I know he wanted to touch me since Sunday but I just finished my period and I was still dry down there. And a behaviour like the one he showed at dinner turns me off and, I just didn’t want him to touch me. There I was again sleeping at the edge of the bed trying to distance myself from him. The slightest touch of our skin would make him think that I want to do it. This morning, he wanted to hug and cuddle but I knew he wanted more than that. It was time for me to get up anyway.

There was this couple at Dr. Phil and the wife said that their sex life sucks. There was a case of infidelity on both sides. She said that she would make love to her husband and then feel disgusted. There was a time when I felt that way. And I don’t want to allow myself to feel that way again as much as possible. If I don’t want to do it, I won’t make him make me do it. I’m sorry. Okay, my husband hasn’t slept with another woman, at least, none that I know of, but sometimes he does these things that make me feel so bad and it hurts.

When I went downstairs today to get my lunch, he was watching the video he shot during his stay in the Philippines nung nag-balik-bayan siya nung 2003. That tells me he’s feeling homesick again. His uncle is going there this month and I know that if he could, he would go. I know he still considers the Philippines “home.” And I am hurt. His wife and kids are here and he considers the Philippines more of “home” than his family here. Our crappy relationship doesn’t help. I know he misses his family there but I mean, perhaps, if he could just try to focus on our relationship and help me work on it, not just for the sake of us two, but more so for the kids. Then maybe, he wouldn’t feel that homesick.

I know that someday, he would want to go back home and settle there. And that’s not what I have in mind. I don’t have relationships with friends there anymore. I’ve been here for so long, 16 years, and I’ve already established friendships here. Besides, my kids are here and they would have families here. I want to be where they are. I want to be close to them.

We are in the path of getting older. The kids will get older and eventually move out. So now, instead of looking forward to our time together alone, I might be headed for a life of being alone if he wanted to settle there in the Philippines and I want to stay here. Sometimes I wonder if I should stay knowing that I would be alone anyway in the long run. I can be unhappy at times and I’d ask myself why I’m staying with him. Is it just really for the sake of the kids? Yet I know that they can see that we don’t have a good relationship and when he’s being a jerk, I don’t want the kids to think that that’s okay. They might emulate that behaviour when they have their own families. Sometimes I think it’s just the financial aspect – it’s the reason I’m staying with him. I don’t think I can afford to raise the three kids on my own. I need his financial support.

 

I confess

October 29, 2005. Saturday.

I attended the meeting at (church) for parents of the children who are receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. So did sis. Her daughter is also receiving this sacrament.

The cathechism coordinator told us that we parents are the ones preparing our children for this sacrament. We were given workbooks to guide us. At the meeting, she asked us to remember about our experiences in confession. Some parents can still remember their very first one. I don’t. There was this dad who remembered it as a terrifying experience.

There were two confessions that are still kind of vivid in my memory but I didn’t share it with the group. I was kind of embarrassed especially that sis, who is very religious, was also in my group.

I attended Catholic schools in my elementary grades. And I can’t really recall how often I went to confession after the first one. Probably less than five times.

When we left my aunt’s place (sis and I lived there for a few years when Mama migrated to Canada), I haven’t really gone to church regularly. And as everybody knew, I lived in sin, having pre-marital sex with H.

When I came here in Canada, six and a half months pregnant, Mama arranged for me to have a confession with Father R. I was surprised that I didn’t have to go to a confessional box. I was kind of embarrassed to tell him my sins face to face. We were just sitting next to each other in one of the pews at a church in St. Boniface. I told him that my last confession was a very long time ago. I told him about having sex without being married and I remember crying a lot. I felt relieved after that.

I can’t recall now how long it took me again after I had another one. But it must be just before my oldest son’s First Communion because the parents were asked to have communion with their children.

And then the next one must have been the one before my middle son’s First Communion. Now, when I first came here, Mama made sure that I went to church with her every Sunday. But when I moved out from her place, I seldom did. I had small children and there were lots of chores to do and we didn’t have a car and buses were so few on Sundays. So I didn’t bother going. I would only go on special holidays.

So when I confessed. I told these to the priest. And it was also around this time that I had contacted my first boyfriend from the Philippines and we exchanged a lot of emails and I thought about him a lot. My relationship with H has not been great and has been really rocky all these years and we were fighting a lot. I was overwhelmed with emotions when I contacted my first boyfriend. And he was telling me things like I’m such a nice, smart and beautiful person and we were reminiscing about the times we were still together and I thought that I was starting to have feelings for him again. I told the priest, Father M., that I had impure thoughts about this guy other than my husband. And I couldn’t control my tears. They just kept flowing. And we did the confession up there on the altar, my mother and son were behind us, and all these other parents and children. I tried to hide my tears. Father must think that I was really sorry for all my sins and I was. You would think that I have killed somebody with the way I was crying and being really sorry.

After that, I went to church regularly, every Sunday.

 

Money problems

October 24, 2005. Monday.

I learned from Mama yesterday that H wants to borrow her car for his driving test tomorrow. I thought that he asked for an appointment with the driving instructor and would use his car. I guess H didn’t want to pay for another lesson. So now, Mama had to take the bus to work tomorrow and she would also have to leave her car here tonight just so she would not have to work under time.

So I asked H why he had to borrow Mama’s car instead of just making an appointment with the instructor and using his car. Sabi ko inabala pa niya si Ma. Now Mama has to take the bus to work. Siya pa ang nagalit sa akin. He snapped at me and said that he won’t let me ride in his car when he buys one. Ayun at nagbitiw na naman siya nang ganuong salita. I hate it when he says things like that. This is the reason why I seldom watch (the big screen) TV downstairs in the basement. He once said that that was his TV. His only? We are married but his things are his and his only? Kaya ako nagaya rin sa kanya. I know it’s wrong but this attitude of his has rubbed off on me. Only when it comes to him naman. When he went to the Philippines on a vacation, I didn’t let him bring the camcorder with him. I told him that I was the one who bought it and I was the one who made the monthly installments on it. And he has refused to increase the money he was giving me every payday. Besides, I was worried that he might lose it there, or somebody would ask him to just give it to them. And that camcorder was new.

And if he were to buy a car, where would he get the money? I’m worried that he won’t give me any money at all. When (my oldest son) had his braces taken out, we had to pay the balance and I told him to use his credit card to pay for that because his credit card balance is a lot smaller than mine. My two credit cards have a total of over ten thousand dollars. Two paydays ago, he didn’t give me enough money. Binawasan niya yung ibinigay niyang pera sa akin. He said that he wanted to pay in full whatever he paid for his son’s braces. This is the thing. He couldn’t understand that we put that on credit so that we could pay for it in installments. He wants to pay off his credit, but what about mine that keeps accumulating because he wouldn’t give me enough money? He spends lots of money on his CDs (he has a collection of over 500 now) and his expensive stereo system. Whenever we have emergency expenses, I always have to use my credit card – like the children’s needs, eyeglasses, winter coats, boots, school expenses, plumbing, etc.

And when he buys a car, will he bring me to the grocery store? He never accompanies me when I do my grocery shopping. Will he come with me to my friends’ invitations and will he bring his children to their friend’s birthday parties? Kasi kung tutuusin, itong mga binanggit ko lang talaga naman ang kakailanganin namin ang kotse. And of course, also to go to church. I think he has only been coming to church with us in Mama’s car so that he could practise driving.

And one more thing that I’m worried about. He might drink and drive. Oh, it gives me a headache just to think about that.

 

The Bed

September 23, 2005. Friday.

My alarm clock went off at 6:30 a.m. Naalimpungatan ako. I turned to my right and reached for the snooze button with my left hand. As I did, I fell off from the bed. Yeah, it’s as funny as it sounds. My first reaction was to get mad at H. He always hogs the bed. He’s always at the middle. Nasisiksik ako sa dulo. I’m always at the edge of the bed. He doesn’t put his legs around me anymore. But years ago, he would do that. I told him that I didn’t like it because my muscles would ache the next morning. He is, after all, a lot heavier that me.

So back to this morning…

Me: Will you please move over there to your side of the bed? You’re always pushing me to the edge.

He did. And I went back to bed to sleep some more.

I thought about my fall and I suppressed my laughter. I was mad and I didn’t want him to make fun of me.

And what a coincidence that the episode of Malcolm in the Middle that night was about Lois buying a new king size bed. Hal became suspicious that Lois wanted more distance between them. That’s why she bought a bigger bed. Of course, Lois defended herself and said that she only did so because their old one was old, saggy and smelled.

I have also complained to H about our old creaky bed. I have also wanted a new bed. I would go ahead and buy a new one, but more important expenses always come up.

Back to Lois and Hal …

On their first night on the new bed, Hal had her legs around Lois. She slowly freed herself and went to her side. Hal woke up and said, “I knew it. You wanted the distance.” Then he stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch.

The next day, Lois explained to Hal that she just wanted more room so she could flail her arms around and that there are things that her body does (like fart) and she doesn’t want close proximity to anybody when that happens. But she’s always left straining herself.

Same with me. I move as far away from H on days that I don’t want to be touched. And that’s why I also want a bigger bed. I want my space, too. Sometimes, I lie there stiff like a log because the slightest touch of our skins could be misinterpreted as wanting some loving. And that is not the case with me – most of the time. Especially when I’m pissed off at him.

 

Broke something?

September 19, 2005. Tuesday.

I’ve had my period last week. So I was surprised when I saw blood this morning. The bleeding lasted for the entire day. I must have used too much pressure this morning when I got on top of him. I was a little bit concerned. I wonder if I broke something in there.

 

The Phone Call

August 28, 2005. Sunday.

It was almost 2:00 a.m. when I finished watching Garden State. H wasn’t home yet. I went to sleep in the kids’ bedroom because I didn’t want to deal with him and besides, ayaw kong mapuyat.

I thought I was dreaming when I heard the phone ring. I let it ring for several times, hoping that it would stop. At first I thought it might be one of H’s friend, perhaps Rod. He’s done that before. Nang-iistorbo kung kelan gabi na. Then I thought it might be H. Could he have forgotten his keys?

So I got up. It was 3:36 on the phone clock.

Me: Hello. Sino ‘to?
Caller: It’s N’s wife.
Me: (I knew she was white.) Oh, hi.
Caller: Is N there?
Me: No, H’s not home yet.
Caller: Could he be in the basement, maybe?
Me: Oh God, hang on.

I went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were still on. I left if on for H. I didn’t hear any noises downstairs. I didn’t really want to go down there. I was scared. It was past 3:00 a.m., for goodness sake. I went back upstairs. I was trying to keep it down. I didn’t want to wake the kids up.

Me: No, they’re not here.
Caller: Do you know that they could be taking drugs at N’s friend’s right now? I’ve been calling N to pick me up from my sister’s place. But he turned his phone off. I am so mad at him right now.
Me: Doesn’t H go to your place on Friday nights or sometimes Saturday?
Caller: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: And have you seen him do this?
Caller: Yeah, I’ve almost caught them once.
Me: What kind of drugs are we talking about?
Caller: Crack. Coke. N used to take drugs. He stopped. But he’s doing it again. That’s why he turned his phone off. He’s doing it.
Me: I don’t know what to think. Are you at your sister’s place now?
Caller: No, I’m at home. My brother-in-law brought me home.
Me: Well, thank you for telling me.
Caller: No problem.

I lay awake for about an hour. I didn’t know what to feel. I was under the impression that H did drugs when he was in high school. He had problems. That’s why he was held back a year. I think I asked him once when we were still dating, but he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s H. Doesn’t want to talk.

When he got up in the morning, I confronted him in the washroom.

Me: What time did you get home last night?
H: Around 4:00 already. ‘Cause N was already drunk.

That was a lie right there. I was still up at 4:00.

Me: Are you taking coke? What can you get out of taking drugs, huh?
H: What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?

I didn’t tell him that N’s wife called. He would just deny it.

I am just so mad. I was just starting to warm towards him again after the June 22nd incident. It took me a long time to forget that and my anger to subside. And now this. He keeps doing this to me. How would I know if he’s not really taking drugs? Or whatever it is that he does when he’s out with N? And until 4:00 a.m.? Baka mamaya bigyan niya pa ako ng sakit. What if he gives me a disease or something? How can you trust a husband like this?

 

My journal entries

I have been thinking of posting my journal entries in this blog for quite a while now. I kept a journal, regularly, from November 2004 to March 2006. Then I stopped. I guess I just got too tired of writing the same rants over and over again. And by that time, I was just so frustrated and about to give up on my relationship. I felt so drained, emotionally. I do understand that I have my own faults. And of course, H is not reading this and can’t defend himself. I know I am not innocent and I know that I am not just a victim in this situation. I guess I’m just doing this to also look back, take a back seat, and re-assess the situation and make sense of it all. Because I am in the same predicament once again. Should I stay or should I go now?