August 2007


October 24, 2005. Monday.

I learned from Mama yesterday that H wants to borrow her car for his driving test tomorrow. I thought that he asked for an appointment with the driving instructor and would use his car. I guess H didn’t want to pay for another lesson. So now, Mama had to take the bus to work tomorrow and she would also have to leave her car here tonight just so she would not have to work under time.

So I asked H why he had to borrow Mama’s car instead of just making an appointment with the instructor and using his car. Sabi ko inabala pa niya si Ma. Now Mama has to take the bus to work. Siya pa ang nagalit sa akin. He snapped at me and said that he won’t let me ride in his car when he buys one. Ayun at nagbitiw na naman siya nang ganuong salita. I hate it when he says things like that. This is the reason why I seldom watch (the big screen) TV downstairs in the basement. He once said that that was his TV. His only? We are married but his things are his and his only? Kaya ako nagaya rin sa kanya. I know it’s wrong but this attitude of his has rubbed off on me. Only when it comes to him naman. When he went to the Philippines on a vacation, I didn’t let him bring the camcorder with him. I told him that I was the one who bought it and I was the one who made the monthly installments on it. And he has refused to increase the money he was giving me every payday. Besides, I was worried that he might lose it there, or somebody would ask him to just give it to them. And that camcorder was new.

And if he were to buy a car, where would he get the money? I’m worried that he won’t give me any money at all. When (my oldest son) had his braces taken out, we had to pay the balance and I told him to use his credit card to pay for that because his credit card balance is a lot smaller than mine. My two credit cards have a total of over ten thousand dollars. Two paydays ago, he didn’t give me enough money. Binawasan niya yung ibinigay niyang pera sa akin. He said that he wanted to pay in full whatever he paid for his son’s braces. This is the thing. He couldn’t understand that we put that on credit so that we could pay for it in installments. He wants to pay off his credit, but what about mine that keeps accumulating because he wouldn’t give me enough money? He spends lots of money on his CDs (he has a collection of over 500 now) and his expensive stereo system. Whenever we have emergency expenses, I always have to use my credit card – like the children’s needs, eyeglasses, winter coats, boots, school expenses, plumbing, etc.

And when he buys a car, will he bring me to the grocery store? He never accompanies me when I do my grocery shopping. Will he come with me to my friends’ invitations and will he bring his children to their friend’s birthday parties? Kasi kung tutuusin, itong mga binanggit ko lang talaga naman ang kakailanganin namin ang kotse. And of course, also to go to church. I think he has only been coming to church with us in Mama’s car so that he could practise driving.

And one more thing that I’m worried about. He might drink and drive. Oh, it gives me a headache just to think about that.

September 23, 2005. Friday.

My alarm clock went off at 6:30 a.m. Naalimpungatan ako. I turned to my right and reached for the snooze button with my left hand. As I did, I fell off from the bed. Yeah, it’s as funny as it sounds. My first reaction was to get mad at H. He always hogs the bed. He’s always at the middle. Nasisiksik ako sa dulo. I’m always at the edge of the bed. He doesn’t put his legs around me anymore. But years ago, he would do that. I told him that I didn’t like it because my muscles would ache the next morning. He is, after all, a lot heavier that me.

So back to this morning…

Me: Will you please move over there to your side of the bed? You’re always pushing me to the edge.

He did. And I went back to bed to sleep some more.

I thought about my fall and I suppressed my laughter. I was mad and I didn’t want him to make fun of me.

And what a coincidence that the episode of Malcolm in the Middle that night was about Lois buying a new king size bed. Hal became suspicious that Lois wanted more distance between them. That’s why she bought a bigger bed. Of course, Lois defended herself and said that she only did so because their old one was old, saggy and smelled.

I have also complained to H about our old creaky bed. I have also wanted a new bed. I would go ahead and buy a new one, but more important expenses always come up.

Back to Lois and Hal …

On their first night on the new bed, Hal had her legs around Lois. She slowly freed herself and went to her side. Hal woke up and said, “I knew it. You wanted the distance.” Then he stormed out of the bedroom and slept on the couch.

The next day, Lois explained to Hal that she just wanted more room so she could flail her arms around and that there are things that her body does (like fart) and she doesn’t want close proximity to anybody when that happens. But she’s always left straining herself.

Same with me. I move as far away from H on days that I don’t want to be touched. And that’s why I also want a bigger bed. I want my space, too. Sometimes, I lie there stiff like a log because the slightest touch of our skins could be misinterpreted as wanting some loving. And that is not the case with me – most of the time. Especially when I’m pissed off at him.

September 19, 2005. Tuesday.

I’ve had my period last week. So I was surprised when I saw blood this morning. The bleeding lasted for the entire day. I must have used too much pressure this morning when I got on top of him. I was a little bit concerned. I wonder if I broke something in there.

August 28, 2005. Sunday.

It was almost 2:00 a.m. when I finished watching Garden State. H wasn’t home yet. I went to sleep in the kids’ bedroom because I didn’t want to deal with him and besides, ayaw kong mapuyat.

I thought I was dreaming when I heard the phone ring. I let it ring for several times, hoping that it would stop. At first I thought it might be one of H’s friend, perhaps Rod. He’s done that before. Nang-iistorbo kung kelan gabi na. Then I thought it might be H. Could he have forgotten his keys?

So I got up. It was 3:36 on the phone clock.

Me: Hello. Sino ‘to?
Caller: It’s N’s wife.
Me: (I knew she was white.) Oh, hi.
Caller: Is N there?
Me: No, H’s not home yet.
Caller: Could he be in the basement, maybe?
Me: Oh God, hang on.

I went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were still on. I left if on for H. I didn’t hear any noises downstairs. I didn’t really want to go down there. I was scared. It was past 3:00 a.m., for goodness sake. I went back upstairs. I was trying to keep it down. I didn’t want to wake the kids up.

Me: No, they’re not here.
Caller: Do you know that they could be taking drugs at N’s friend’s right now? I’ve been calling N to pick me up from my sister’s place. But he turned his phone off. I am so mad at him right now.
Me: Doesn’t H go to your place on Friday nights or sometimes Saturday?
Caller: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: And have you seen him do this?
Caller: Yeah, I’ve almost caught them once.
Me: What kind of drugs are we talking about?
Caller: Crack. Coke. N used to take drugs. He stopped. But he’s doing it again. That’s why he turned his phone off. He’s doing it.
Me: I don’t know what to think. Are you at your sister’s place now?
Caller: No, I’m at home. My brother-in-law brought me home.
Me: Well, thank you for telling me.
Caller: No problem.

I lay awake for about an hour. I didn’t know what to feel. I was under the impression that H did drugs when he was in high school. He had problems. That’s why he was held back a year. I think I asked him once when we were still dating, but he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s H. Doesn’t want to talk.

When he got up in the morning, I confronted him in the washroom.

Me: What time did you get home last night?
H: Around 4:00 already. ‘Cause N was already drunk.

That was a lie right there. I was still up at 4:00.

Me: Are you taking coke? What can you get out of taking drugs, huh?
H: What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?

I didn’t tell him that N’s wife called. He would just deny it.

I am just so mad. I was just starting to warm towards him again after the June 22nd incident. It took me a long time to forget that and my anger to subside. And now this. He keeps doing this to me. How would I know if he’s not really taking drugs? Or whatever it is that he does when he’s out with N? And until 4:00 a.m.? Baka mamaya bigyan niya pa ako ng sakit. What if he gives me a disease or something? How can you trust a husband like this?

I have been thinking of posting my journal entries in this blog for quite a while now. I kept a journal, regularly, from November 2004 to March 2006. Then I stopped. I guess I just got too tired of writing the same rants over and over again. And by that time, I was just so frustrated and about to give up on my relationship. I felt so drained, emotionally. I do understand that I have my own faults. And of course, H is not reading this and can’t defend himself. I know I am not innocent and I know that I am not just a victim in this situation. I guess I’m just doing this to also look back, take a back seat, and re-assess the situation and make sense of it all. Because I am in the same predicament once again. Should I stay or should I go now?