August 28, 2005. Sunday.

It was almost 2:00 a.m. when I finished watching Garden State. H wasn’t home yet. I went to sleep in the kids’ bedroom because I didn’t want to deal with him and besides, ayaw kong mapuyat.

I thought I was dreaming when I heard the phone ring. I let it ring for several times, hoping that it would stop. At first I thought it might be one of H’s friend, perhaps Rod. He’s done that before. Nang-iistorbo kung kelan gabi na. Then I thought it might be H. Could he have forgotten his keys?

So I got up. It was 3:36 on the phone clock.

Me: Hello. Sino ‘to?
Caller: It’s N’s wife.
Me: (I knew she was white.) Oh, hi.
Caller: Is N there?
Me: No, H’s not home yet.
Caller: Could he be in the basement, maybe?
Me: Oh God, hang on.

I went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were still on. I left if on for H. I didn’t hear any noises downstairs. I didn’t really want to go down there. I was scared. It was past 3:00 a.m., for goodness sake. I went back upstairs. I was trying to keep it down. I didn’t want to wake the kids up.

Me: No, they’re not here.
Caller: Do you know that they could be taking drugs at N’s friend’s right now? I’ve been calling N to pick me up from my sister’s place. But he turned his phone off. I am so mad at him right now.
Me: Doesn’t H go to your place on Friday nights or sometimes Saturday?
Caller: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: And have you seen him do this?
Caller: Yeah, I’ve almost caught them once.
Me: What kind of drugs are we talking about?
Caller: Crack. Coke. N used to take drugs. He stopped. But he’s doing it again. That’s why he turned his phone off. He’s doing it.
Me: I don’t know what to think. Are you at your sister’s place now?
Caller: No, I’m at home. My brother-in-law brought me home.
Me: Well, thank you for telling me.
Caller: No problem.

I lay awake for about an hour. I didn’t know what to feel. I was under the impression that H did drugs when he was in high school. He had problems. That’s why he was held back a year. I think I asked him once when we were still dating, but he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s H. Doesn’t want to talk.

When he got up in the morning, I confronted him in the washroom.

Me: What time did you get home last night?
H: Around 4:00 already. ‘Cause N was already drunk.

That was a lie right there. I was still up at 4:00.

Me: Are you taking coke? What can you get out of taking drugs, huh?
H: What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?

I didn’t tell him that N’s wife called. He would just deny it.

I am just so mad. I was just starting to warm towards him again after the June 22nd incident. It took me a long time to forget that and my anger to subside. And now this. He keeps doing this to me. How would I know if he’s not really taking drugs? Or whatever it is that he does when he’s out with N? And until 4:00 a.m.? Baka mamaya bigyan niya pa ako ng sakit. What if he gives me a disease or something? How can you trust a husband like this?