October 24, 2005. Monday.

I learned from Mama yesterday that H wants to borrow her car for his driving test tomorrow. I thought that he asked for an appointment with the driving instructor and would use his car. I guess H didn’t want to pay for another lesson. So now, Mama had to take the bus to work tomorrow and she would also have to leave her car here tonight just so she would not have to work under time.

So I asked H why he had to borrow Mama’s car instead of just making an appointment with the instructor and using his car. Sabi ko inabala pa niya si Ma. Now Mama has to take the bus to work. Siya pa ang nagalit sa akin. He snapped at me and said that he won’t let me ride in his car when he buys one. Ayun at nagbitiw na naman siya nang ganuong salita. I hate it when he says things like that. This is the reason why I seldom watch (the big screen) TV downstairs in the basement. He once said that that was his TV. His only? We are married but his things are his and his only? Kaya ako nagaya rin sa kanya. I know it’s wrong but this attitude of his has rubbed off on me. Only when it comes to him naman. When he went to the Philippines on a vacation, I didn’t let him bring the camcorder with him. I told him that I was the one who bought it and I was the one who made the monthly installments on it. And he has refused to increase the money he was giving me every payday. Besides, I was worried that he might lose it there, or somebody would ask him to just give it to them. And that camcorder was new.

And if he were to buy a car, where would he get the money? I’m worried that he won’t give me any money at all. When (my oldest son) had his braces taken out, we had to pay the balance and I told him to use his credit card to pay for that because his credit card balance is a lot smaller than mine. My two credit cards have a total of over ten thousand dollars. Two paydays ago, he didn’t give me enough money. Binawasan niya yung ibinigay niyang pera sa akin. He said that he wanted to pay in full whatever he paid for his son’s braces. This is the thing. He couldn’t understand that we put that on credit so that we could pay for it in installments. He wants to pay off his credit, but what about mine that keeps accumulating because he wouldn’t give me enough money? He spends lots of money on his CDs (he has a collection of over 500 now) and his expensive stereo system. Whenever we have emergency expenses, I always have to use my credit card – like the children’s needs, eyeglasses, winter coats, boots, school expenses, plumbing, etc.

And when he buys a car, will he bring me to the grocery store? He never accompanies me when I do my grocery shopping. Will he come with me to my friends’ invitations and will he bring his children to their friend’s birthday parties? Kasi kung tutuusin, itong mga binanggit ko lang talaga naman ang kakailanganin namin ang kotse. And of course, also to go to church. I think he has only been coming to church with us in Mama’s car so that he could practise driving.

And one more thing that I’m worried about. He might drink and drive. Oh, it gives me a headache just to think about that.