November 9, 2005. Wednesday.

I’m in a bad place right now. H was growling at (my 11-year old) at the dinner table on Sunday when he was showing something from the TV guide to his kuya (my 15-year old). “Hoy, kumain ka nang maayos,” he said in that loud thundering voice. I hate it when he does that. I see my kids’ reaction and they cower. He sees these kids only in the weekends because he works at night, and I think that he should make the most of his time with them. Sure, he fools around with the two young ones every now and then. He was just playing and laughing with (the 11-year old) that afternoon and he suddenly turned into a monster just like that. I don’t think that’s good. I wanted to call on him but I know he would react and it would turn ugly. I didn’t want to do it in front of the kids.

I know he wanted to touch me since Sunday but I just finished my period and I was still dry down there. And a behaviour like the one he showed at dinner turns me off and, I just didn’t want him to touch me. There I was again sleeping at the edge of the bed trying to distance myself from him. The slightest touch of our skin would make him think that I want to do it. This morning, he wanted to hug and cuddle but I knew he wanted more than that. It was time for me to get up anyway.

There was this couple at Dr. Phil and the wife said that their sex life sucks. There was a case of infidelity on both sides. She said that she would make love to her husband and then feel disgusted. There was a time when I felt that way. And I don’t want to allow myself to feel that way again as much as possible. If I don’t want to do it, I won’t make him make me do it. I’m sorry. Okay, my husband hasn’t slept with another woman, at least, none that I know of, but sometimes he does these things that make me feel so bad and it hurts.

When I went downstairs today to get my lunch, he was watching the video he shot during his stay in the Philippines nung nag-balik-bayan siya nung 2003. That tells me he’s feeling homesick again. His uncle is going there this month and I know that if he could, he would go. I know he still considers the Philippines “home.” And I am hurt. His wife and kids are here and he considers the Philippines more of “home” than his family here. Our crappy relationship doesn’t help. I know he misses his family there but I mean, perhaps, if he could just try to focus on our relationship and help me work on it, not just for the sake of us two, but more so for the kids. Then maybe, he wouldn’t feel that homesick.

I know that someday, he would want to go back home and settle there. And that’s not what I have in mind. I don’t have relationships with friends there anymore. I’ve been here for so long, 16 years, and I’ve already established friendships here. Besides, my kids are here and they would have families here. I want to be where they are. I want to be close to them.

We are in the path of getting older. The kids will get older and eventually move out. So now, instead of looking forward to our time together alone, I might be headed for a life of being alone if he wanted to settle there in the Philippines and I want to stay here. Sometimes I wonder if I should stay knowing that I would be alone anyway in the long run. I can be unhappy at times and I’d ask myself why I’m staying with him. Is it just really for the sake of the kids? Yet I know that they can see that we don’t have a good relationship and when he’s being a jerk, I don’t want the kids to think that that’s okay. They might emulate that behaviour when they have their own families. Sometimes I think it’s just the financial aspect – it’s the reason I’m staying with him. I don’t think I can afford to raise the three kids on my own. I need his financial support.