December 16, 2005. Friday.

I was still washing the dishes when H came home at around 11:30 at night. He wanted me to move so he could throw something in the garbage under the sink. I couldn’t stand him getting close next to me so I barked at him, “Why can’t you wait ’til I’m finished?”

He got irritated, too, because I have been snapping at him lately. He pushed one of the kitchen chairs and said, “Mabuti pang umuwi na lang ako sa Pinas. Bakit ka pa nagsisimba? Ganyan naman ang ugali mo. Ano’ng ipinagdadasal mo?”

Although I knew I was wrong at snapping at him, these words rang in my ears:

Mabuti pang umuwi na lang ako sa Pinas.” That’s the same thing he used to say when we had fights back when we were still at William Avenue, ten, eleven years ago. Even when we moved here to this house, he must have repeated these words a couple of times. And although it had been years since I last heard them, it stayed in the back of my mind. And I know deep inside me that he might just do that in the end. And I would grow old alone. I just can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to have a go at sorting our problems out instead of threatening me of leaving and moving back to the Philippines.

Bakit ka pa nagsisimba?” Bakit nga ba? Dahil na rin sa mga bata. Gusto ko silang ihubog ng tama and then when they are of age they can decide for themselves if they want to continue going to church.

“Ano’ng ipinagdadasal mo?” Ipinagdadasal kong tulungan Niya akong mapatawad ka sa mga pagkukulang mo sa akin. I know I also have my own faults. I’m praying that we could forgive each other and start to have a normal relationship. Without this constant pain that I’m feeling.

I didn’t say any of these to him. I couldn’t control my tears when I went to bed. I have been sleeping in the kids’ bedroom.