January 4, 2006. Wednesday.

I went to see Dr. M to have the mole beside my mouth checked. I want it taken out. He looked at it and said that he will contact a dermatologist for me.

This morning, I started to have discomforts when I pee. After the pee comes out, there seems to be a muscle contracting inside and it hurts. And there is blood when I wipe myself. I also needed to go to the bathroom more frequently than usual. I didn’t mention this to the doctor because I thought it was just temporary. That it would get better. It was in September when I noticed blood after I had sex with H. So I thought it was just the same thing this time. I bled then for only one day.

When my appointment was done, I hesitated to go to the bathroom in the doctor’s clinic before I went outside. I was already worried that I might pee in my pants like I did last night. But it was just so uncomfortable to pee, so I didn’t. I thought I could hold it in until I get home. I did put pads in my underwear anyway. But I didn’t catch the bus that turns on our street and would take me directly to the bus stop near my house. I caught the other one that goes straight to the highway. That meant that I had to walk for about ten minutes. About halfway through my walk, I started to feel the need to pee. I sure hoped that I could make it home. I was only a block away from home when pee started to come out. Okay, I had a pad. But once that pee started flowing, I just couldn’t control it and I peed in my pants. I looked down my legs and yes, my pants were wet. It’s good that my coat reaches up to below my knees and the wetness could be covered. I heard a bus coming from behind me as I approached the bus stop. I started to walk faster. I didn’t want anybody to see my wet pants. Although hindi naman halata.

I immediately changed and washed myself when I got home.

Now I am worried. What if I have become incontinent?