January 18, 2006. Wednesday.

These past couple of days, I have been thinking of separating from H. It’s just one of those times that I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how I can have sex with him again. I’m scared to get another infection. It was so painful and awful. And what if I get STD next time. Should I make him use a condom? But how can I get myself to sleep with him if I have doubts that he could have been using drugs or have been sleeping with someone else? He has thrown my trust out of the window.

I don’t know if I can afford to live in an apartment with the three kids. What if he doesn’t help me out financially? And what about the house? We have to sell it before we separate if I want a new place because I could not afford to pay for this house just on my income. And where would he live? I know he would live with his uncle. Free lodgings. Ano siya sinusuwerte? Habang ako’y magpapakandahirap. At saka hindi yata ako papayag na mapunta sa kanyang mag-isa yung kanyang home theatre. Libo yata ang halaga nuon. I want our things to be sold and then we’ll share with the proceeds. Pero baka hindi siya pumayag ng ganuon. Lugi ako at saka ang utang ko sa bangko baka hindi siya pumayag na bayaran iyon from the proceeds. Eh kaya naman lumaki ang utang ko dahil minsan konti ang bigay niyang pera sa akin. Lalo na kapag wala siyang trabaho at naka-UI.

And what about the kids? Will they spend time with him during the weekends? How will they cope with the change?

If it were not only that complicated, I really want OUT. I am so unhappy. I want some changes. I want to feel special. But I don’t think that there will be any changes at all. Kahit naman nung hindi pa kami kasal, he didn’t make me feel special kaya nga nagdalawang isip ako nuon kung itutuloy ko ang pagpapakasal sa kanya. Kaya lang may anak na kami nuon and people were expecting us to get married. I know. These were all the wrong reasons to get married.

Hirap na hirap na ang loob ko. Nagsisikip tuloy ang dibdib ko.

Bakit kaya hindi tumatawag si Purplegirl? I’m hesitant to call her. Dyahi kasi dahil puro problema na naman and sasabihin ko sa kanya. Baka nagsawa na siya sa drama ko. It would be really nice if I could talk to her about this like we used to.