January 27, 2006. Friday.

After my haircut appointment this afternoon, I wanted so much to go to the apartment across the street. I wanted to inquire on how much the rent is. But I didn’t. I went straight home.

I have been weighing the pros and cons of leaving and separating from H. If we do separate, we have to give up the house. Sell it. I couldn’t afford to pay for it. But if I and the kids do move in an apartment, I also wondered if I could afford it on my own. Of course, I would ask H for child support and if he gets stubborn, I could always hire a lawyer to make him pay. But then again, lawyers’ fees, that is such a hassle. There will be a lot of adjustments not just for me but more so for the kids. How can my oldest son practice his (musical instrument)? Will the neighbours not like it? Will they allow it in the apartment? Also, we’ll have to do laundry in a common laundry room in the apartment. I don’t suppose that we will be allowed to bring our washer and dryer.

H would want to share custody of the children. I also want the kids to have a relationship with their father. But of course, he’s only available during the weekends. How will he get the children? By bus? He might be too lazy to pick them up. I would be willing to bring them to him but of course only up to a certain extent. Baka pag-awayan pa rin namin. And what if the kids don’t feel like going out, especially my middle guy who complains a lot.

I know that H is trying to have a good relationship with his kids, especially the two younger ones. Nakikipagtuksuhan siya kapag nandito yung mga bata at nakikipaglaro at landian siya duon sa dalawa, especially the middle guy. How will my middle guy be affected? And also the oldest and youngest ones? How will a separation impact them? Would they act up or rebel?