January 14, 2006. Saturday.

I told sis about that phone call from N’s wife last summer, the one about the drugs. I told sis my suspicion that it might be H who gave me the bladder infection. She told me that BIL had actually told her that I could have gotten the infection from H. Now I am more upset. It’s not just a suspicion anymore. It could be the truth. Could he have slept with someone else? Sis said that she’d ask BIL to tell H to take a drug test. I told her no. I will do it.

When I was having lunch, H was cooking in the kitchen. I told him that he must be the cause of my bladder infection and I told him to get himself checked. I wanted him to take a drug test. But I didn’t tell him exactly that. Sabi ko sa kanya, Magpatingin ka sa duktor at baka may infection ka at wala ka lang nararamdaman. Sa tingin ko ikaw ang nagbigay sa akin ng infection. Sabi ng duktor sa akin nakukuha rin daw iyon sa pakikipagtalik. Yan ang sinasabi ko sa iyo eh. Nagdudurug ka tapos bibigyan mo pa ako ng sakit. Nung isang buwan din pagkatapos nating mag-sex, dinugo rin ako. Hindi ko lang sinabi sa iyo. Aba eh ano daw ang sasabihin niya sa duktor kapag nagpatingin siya.


January 5, 2006. Thursday.

It still hurts when I pee and there is still blood when I wipe myself. After the pee comes out, I feel a burning sensation inside. It seems like a muscle is contracting. I suspected that it might be the bladder.

I did the laundry last night. I kinda suspected that something was wrong and I was thinking that just in case something happens to me, at least we would have clean laundry. I waited until I have finished work and helped the kids with supper and I also ate before I got ready to go to the hospital. I called sis to tell her that I was leaving the kids by themselves and also to tell her that I am going to the Emergency Room. She offered to give me a ride since she and husband were going out to go to Wal-Mart. I told them what’s wrong and BIL, who is a nurse, said that it could be a bladder infection.

It was 8:00 p.m. when I got to the hospital. I was asked to give them a urine sample. Then I waited in the waiting room. A nurse called me in at around 9:30 p.m. She brought me to a room and told me to take off my pants and sweater but leave my panties on. Then I lay down on the bed and waited. I fell asleep for probably 15 minutes. Then I felt the need to pee. I came outside and looked for a washroom. The doctor didn’t come until around 11:00 p.m. and that was only after I asked three attendants when the doctor would be coming in to look after me.

The doctor told me that they looked at my urine and they found lots of pus, white blood cells, blood and lots of bacteria. Yes, it is bladder infection. I think it is the urethra (thin tube) that’s infected.

How did I get it? I asked. Sometimes it just happens, he said. He told me to drink lots of water to flush it out. After sex, make sure you pee, which I always do anyway. He said that bacteria could go up that way. Now this got me thinking if H gave me the bacteria. The drugs? Did he really take drugs as N’s wife claimed on that phone call months ago?

The doctor gave me antibiotics and prescribed some more so I could take them for up to five days.

January 4, 2006. Wednesday.

I went to see Dr. M to have the mole beside my mouth checked. I want it taken out. He looked at it and said that he will contact a dermatologist for me.

This morning, I started to have discomforts when I pee. After the pee comes out, there seems to be a muscle contracting inside and it hurts. And there is blood when I wipe myself. I also needed to go to the bathroom more frequently than usual. I didn’t mention this to the doctor because I thought it was just temporary. That it would get better. It was in September when I noticed blood after I had sex with H. So I thought it was just the same thing this time. I bled then for only one day.

When my appointment was done, I hesitated to go to the bathroom in the doctor’s clinic before I went outside. I was already worried that I might pee in my pants like I did last night. But it was just so uncomfortable to pee, so I didn’t. I thought I could hold it in until I get home. I did put pads in my underwear anyway. But I didn’t catch the bus that turns on our street and would take me directly to the bus stop near my house. I caught the other one that goes straight to the highway. That meant that I had to walk for about ten minutes. About halfway through my walk, I started to feel the need to pee. I sure hoped that I could make it home. I was only a block away from home when pee started to come out. Okay, I had a pad. But once that pee started flowing, I just couldn’t control it and I peed in my pants. I looked down my legs and yes, my pants were wet. It’s good that my coat reaches up to below my knees and the wetness could be covered. I heard a bus coming from behind me as I approached the bus stop. I started to walk faster. I didn’t want anybody to see my wet pants. Although hindi naman halata.

I immediately changed and washed myself when I got home.

Now I am worried. What if I have become incontinent?

January 3, 2006. Tuesday.

I went to see my dentist. They needed to get a mould of my teeth for the nightguard that they are making. The last time I went for a cleaning, Dr. J said that I am grinding my teeth at night. He could tell from the way I am wearing out my teeth. How come I never noticed? Well, of course, I would be asleep. I still couldn’t quite believe it because I don’t feel anything. Could it be caused by stress? I certainly had been under a lot of stress for the past six months. That incident with my oldest son and H happened in June and I have had a hard time forgiving H for letting that happen.

At night when I went to the washroom, I didn’t make it to the toilet. I wet not just my panties but also my pants a little bit. I’m a kind of worried.

December 3, 2005. Saturday.

The kids and I all had dentist appointments. When Dr. J had a look at me, he said that I will need to wear a night guard. He said that I was grinding my teeth at night. He could tell from the way I am wearing away my teeth.

How could I not know that I am grinding my teeth? Well, of course, I was asleep when I must be doing it. I remember sis was a night grinder when she was a child. I wonder if she still is.

Now, I noticed that I clench my teeth when I am seething in anger with H. Could that be it? Could night grinding be caused by stress?

September 19, 2005. Tuesday.

I’ve had my period last week. So I was surprised when I saw blood this morning. The bleeding lasted for the entire day. I must have used too much pressure this morning when I got on top of him. I was a little bit concerned. I wonder if I broke something in there.

August 28, 2005. Sunday.

It was almost 2:00 a.m. when I finished watching Garden State. H wasn’t home yet. I went to sleep in the kids’ bedroom because I didn’t want to deal with him and besides, ayaw kong mapuyat.

I thought I was dreaming when I heard the phone ring. I let it ring for several times, hoping that it would stop. At first I thought it might be one of H’s friend, perhaps Rod. He’s done that before. Nang-iistorbo kung kelan gabi na. Then I thought it might be H. Could he have forgotten his keys?

So I got up. It was 3:36 on the phone clock.

Me: Hello. Sino ‘to?
Caller: It’s N’s wife.
Me: (I knew she was white.) Oh, hi.
Caller: Is N there?
Me: No, H’s not home yet.
Caller: Could he be in the basement, maybe?
Me: Oh God, hang on.

I went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were still on. I left if on for H. I didn’t hear any noises downstairs. I didn’t really want to go down there. I was scared. It was past 3:00 a.m., for goodness sake. I went back upstairs. I was trying to keep it down. I didn’t want to wake the kids up.

Me: No, they’re not here.
Caller: Do you know that they could be taking drugs at N’s friend’s right now? I’ve been calling N to pick me up from my sister’s place. But he turned his phone off. I am so mad at him right now.
Me: Doesn’t H go to your place on Friday nights or sometimes Saturday?
Caller: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: And have you seen him do this?
Caller: Yeah, I’ve almost caught them once.
Me: What kind of drugs are we talking about?
Caller: Crack. Coke. N used to take drugs. He stopped. But he’s doing it again. That’s why he turned his phone off. He’s doing it.
Me: I don’t know what to think. Are you at your sister’s place now?
Caller: No, I’m at home. My brother-in-law brought me home.
Me: Well, thank you for telling me.
Caller: No problem.

I lay awake for about an hour. I didn’t know what to feel. I was under the impression that H did drugs when he was in high school. He had problems. That’s why he was held back a year. I think I asked him once when we were still dating, but he didn’t want to talk about it. That’s H. Doesn’t want to talk.

When he got up in the morning, I confronted him in the washroom.

Me: What time did you get home last night?
H: Around 4:00 already. ‘Cause N was already drunk.

That was a lie right there. I was still up at 4:00.

Me: Are you taking coke? What can you get out of taking drugs, huh?
H: What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?

I didn’t tell him that N’s wife called. He would just deny it.

I am just so mad. I was just starting to warm towards him again after the June 22nd incident. It took me a long time to forget that and my anger to subside. And now this. He keeps doing this to me. How would I know if he’s not really taking drugs? Or whatever it is that he does when he’s out with N? And until 4:00 a.m.? Baka mamaya bigyan niya pa ako ng sakit. What if he gives me a disease or something? How can you trust a husband like this?

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